


heartaches for love

by nanaview



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Acquaintances to Friends to Lovers, Alternate Universe - College/University, Crying, Fluff, M/M, Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-25
Updated: 2021-02-25
Packaged: 2021-03-16 03:27:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,823
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29694327
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nanaview/pseuds/nanaview
Summary: Never has Jaemin seen a man so beautiful than on days he meets Renjun after class, tears dripping from so-called modern literary masterpieces.
Relationships: Huang Ren Jun/Na Jaemin
Comments: 4
Kudos: 65





	heartaches for love

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired from all the times I’ve cried over fluff.

Red eyes, wet cheeks, and a runny nose.

Like a clumsy child wailing over a fallen ice cream, his tears ran with no end, shining brightly with the reflection of the orange setting sun. His whimpers and sobs too rang continuously and loudly in the quiet open air.

If it were any other person, Jaemin wouldn’t even want to get involved. Surely a grown man can handle himself. In fact, this man might not even want anyone to bother. Right, Jaemin shouldn’t do anything, nothing should change. He should just get going, get back to his dorm as soon as possible for the sake of his rest… 

But this is Renjun.

At the uppermost right corner of the bleachers of an empty field, Renjun is crying. It’s  _ him _ who’s in this most vulnerable state.

It’s gut-wrenching, heartbreaking even.

But to the man named Na Jaemin, it’s just painfully breathtaking.

“Why do you love reading those if you’re only gonna cry?”

Jaemin has been repeating the same question since he saw Renjun crying the week before, from that day he passed by the bleachers on the way to his dorm. He’s been searching for a concrete reason why Renjun is doing some new form of suffering, but in the number of times he had asked, he always ended up getting the same answer from the teary-eyed man.

“How many times do I have to tell you? There’s just this unique beauty in experiencing pain,” Renjun so intelligently says in between sobs and sniffles.

Frankly, Jaemin has never understood Renjun’s unnecessarily poetic explanation. Shouldn’t Renjun elaborate on that? Though Jaemin also reckons beauty is subjective anyway for him to waste any effort in understanding this unique something from pain.

Jaemin just worries for Renjun. He’s sure that at some point, his tears will run dry. He won’t even pity his dehydrated state when that happens.

Well, he probably will  _ feel _ some pity, but he won’t act on it.

He really won’t.

Besides, he’s also not sure if consciously wanting to experience pain is even a healthy habit to have.

He releases a sigh to the open field. The sky above is a pretty shade of pink.

He then leans close to Renjun’s form on his right, playfully narrowing his eyes with suspicion. “Be honest with me, is this your kink? Being in pain? Why go out of your way to hurt yourself?”

It earns him a terrible look of disdain followed by a scoff. “You must’ve never picked up a novel in your life.”

Now one would think from the way Renjun is speaking that he’s reading works from the likes of Sophocles, Shakespeare, Steinbeck or from whoever renowned tragedy author is out there. One would think it’s a book loved in all nations by all ages, and has had an award-winning movie adaptation. One would think it’s the talk of town.

One couldn’t be more wrong.

Clutched on Renjun’s chest is not some book or piece of work that professors would force everyone to read, instead it’s his phone.

It’s open on a site called Readibooks, and Renjun is reading his third webnovel for the week.

Webnovels are those with digital copies one can buy for some $15 for each volume. The authors register in anonymous accounts which means they could be written by anyone from any walks of life. The works themselves are pretty niche but they’re “modern literary masterpieces” in their own right or so Renjun says. Jaemin hasn’t really peeped the stories to judge.

He pulls back with an unamused look. “True, I’m not really a fan of reading.”

“You like dramas though, don’t you?”

Jaemin gives an affirmative nod that slows down to a stop as a viscous liquid threatens to fall out of Renjun’s nose.

Very distracting.

“Well it’s the same experience, they’re different forms of entertainment that spark similar emotions.”

“But I don’t watch dramas with the intention of crying, I’m in it for other people's problems, the _drama_. You know, the plot?”

_ “You _ on the other hand,” using a poor handkerchief already drenched in tears, he pinches Renjun’s nose, silently asking him to blow, “you just indulge in tragedies upon tragedies, you consume so much angst for the sake of it. Can’t you give these tears a break?”

Renjun rolls his eyes and removes Jaemin’s hand to handle it himself.

“Angst is just my preference okay, like your drama, has nothing to do with you anyway,” Renjun dares to pout at him while saying such a hurtful thing.

Jaemin predictably surrenders because how could anyone _ not  _ give in when Renjun does that. He settles with a tiny grunt and a halfhearted glare as a response.

Renjun didn’t care anyway, he’s way too busy emptying his nose of slime.

So in comes the silence.

Out goes whatever inhibition was stopping Jaemin from shamelessly staring at his new found friend, or well, his crush.

See, Jaemin would gladly respect Renjun’s hobby of pumping out buckets of tears if it weren’t for the pang, the twinge, the goddamn ache in his chest whenever Renjun does just that. Much like how Renjun’s webnovels spark those emotions from him, Renjun’s display of emotions does the same to Jaemin. Watching Renjun cry, while only out of empathy and not from actual experience, still  _ pains _ him. For a week, he’s been trying to understand the root cause of such an intense effect and eliminate it for good.

But Renjun’s right. Whatever he does has nothing to do with Jaemin. It’s only his own fault for getting so affected, and if anything needs to change, it’s from within him.

Absent-mindedly, he reaches for Renjun’s face, gently wiping a stray tear near his eye with the back of a finger. Unconsciously, he lets that same finger linger on Renjun’s soft skin. His eyes too linger on his face, losing himself at the sight of Renjun so close to him.

Just what is he supposed to do to stop the aching of his heart for a man as enchanting as him? As Jaemin slowly traces the outline of Renjun’s cheek, he thinks about it.

And in one swift movement, he pinches that soft skin.

He pinches it hard.

As Renjun erupts in a string of curses and threats, as the sounds ring melodiously on Jaemin’s ears, and as Renjun grows as red as a tomato with fumes escaping his nose, Jaemin decidedly pushes the very thought to the back of his head. 

It’s fascinating how a single event could change one’s entire view of a person. Jaemin from months ago only saw Renjun as that pretty Literature major from his English elective class last year. Next he knew him as his roommate’s friend so there came a time when they were obligated to exchange polite greetings every now and then.

In all those times though, Jaemin had never thought much about Renjun. He’s pretty, he’s friends with Jeno, and that’s about it. He didn’t even bother knowing the guy’s surname or remembering the details when Jeno talked about him. Renjun was just someone who was more than a stranger but barely a friend.

Now Jaemin can’t even have a couple of minutes of  _ not _ thinking about Renjun. Now Jaemin sees him as so much more than a pretty Literature major. In fact, the Jaemin of today finds Renjun more than beautiful in every sense of the word.

Hell, it wouldn’t be too far-fetched for him to think that they would probably become closer to each other than they each are with Jeno. They both love Jeno though, he’s a great guy.

It’s just that there’s something special (Jaemin dares call it intimate) in the hours they spend together after class, simply sitting at the bleachers, watching light turn to darkness, and idly talking about anything under the sun.

It’s just that perhaps after all this time, something might still be changing in the relationship between Renjun and him.

“Didn’t expect a sudden change of venue,” Jaemin comments as soon as he arrives at the park behind the library. He immediately spotted Renjun sitting in lotus position and glued to his phone at a bench near the fountain.

“There were people playing on the soccer field today, probably practicing overtime with the competition nearing. It’ll be too noisy to read there from now on.”

So it’s that time of the year already, they have to say goodbye to their original spot now. Time passed by so fast that Jaemin didn’t notice how it’s been about a month since they had fallen into this unspoken routine.

Jaemin sits next to him. He could tell that Renjun had already shed quite a few tears before he arrived. He belatedly notices the fair amount of crumpled tissues on the trash bin beside them.

He makes himself comfortable, sliding down a little on the bench. “Didn’t expect you to contact me about it.”

Renjun (cutely) tilts his head to the side. “Why wouldn’t I tell you about it though?”

“Ah because far as I know, we never really promised to meet up everyday like this.”

“…you can go if you like.”

Jaemin snorts and clings onto Renjun’s arm before leaning his head on his shoulder. He is _ so _ not going anywhere. He giggles and snuggles closer, “Why would I when it’s obvious you like me here?”

Renjun whines on his seat trying to get out of Jaemin’s hold. It’s no use though, Jaemin doesn’t hit the gym for nothing.

Defeated, Renjun asks,“Do you even enjoy my company when I mostly just read?”

“And cry,” Jaemin helpfully adds.

“Don’t tell me you enjoy seeing me cry…”

Now that has him jumping away from Renjun. “No way! You don’t even know how—”

His next words are caught in his throat, it’s probably a bad idea to reveal his feelings like this.

“…Jaemin? How?” Renjun prods him, his eyes wide and brimming with curiosity. It doesn’t help that the fresh tears make them brighter than usual.

It really would be a bad idea to continue, but Jaemin is just so weak for his damn eyes.

His cheeks redden from embarrassment. Sweat starts to form on his palms. Then his heart begins to ache again. Jaemin overall is starting to look like a wreck.

If it were any other person, say his previous crushes, Jaemin would look away.

But this is Renjun.

Jaemin wouldn’t dare look away from the most precious set of eyes his own has laid upon, even if he were to risk melting under its warm gaze.

After a terribly loud gulp, Jaemin finally continues, “How painful it is for me to see you do that…”

Renjun’s already wide eyes grow a fraction bigger, then he’s the first to look away, turning his attention to the black screen of his phone. His ears might’ve turned red as well, but Jaemin couldn’t be too sure, not with how he himself has been combusting for quite a while now.

Jaemin fans himself desperately with his hand, just might be desperate enough to throw himself into a hole.

Suddenly, Renjun with his head still facing down, speaks again before Jaemin could even begin calming down.

“Then it doesn’t make sense, why keep coming here?”

Jaemin didn’t think of that.

Jaemin would never think of that, not after he had already taken the first step on the first day at the bleachers. He wouldn’t leave him, not when he had already decided to live with the aches, having already thrown away the lingering thoughts of ridding himself of the pain.

He’ll keep meeting Renjun each day after class if it means he can stare in awe at his beauty with the afterglow, if it means he can still be there for him after the angst, after listening to his rambles about stories he too grew to love.

Jaemin leans closer, lifting Renjun’s chin, making sure to catch Renjun’s eyes with his. He speaks softly in a tone that’s only ever meant for Renjun to hear, with his heart pounding hard on his chest till it numbs.

“Well… we’ll never know when you’ll run out of tissues again. When you’ll need me here to wipe your tears for you.”

And for the longest time, they only gazed into each other’s eyes, before Renjun breaks into a blinding smile.

He pushes Jaemin back saying he didn’t need to be so cheesy and gross, but his insults were so helplessly betrayed by the sweet laughter in his voice.

“Then—then when I cry, I’ll let you wipe mine, how about that?”

“In your dreams Jaemin.”

The conversation starts flowing naturally along with the passage of time. The banters, giggles and quiet moments persisted through the setting of the sun and appearance of the night sky.

By the time Jaemin gets back to his dorm, he wouldn’t remember half of what he said even if he tried. In fact, only two things remained clearly etched on his mind: that he prefers Renjun’s smile over his tears, and that indeed, something _ is _ changing for the both of them.

Call him crazy but Jaemin likes to believe his meetups with Renjun are leading to quite the ‘significant’ development. He’s not being delusional when he thinks he has a good chance with his crush, right? He isn’t really getting his hopes up, is he?

Because in the past couple of weeks since that time at the park, there’s just something different in the air between them.

Really.

He swears he’s not making it up.

In the past couple of weeks, they’ve frequently changed venues in search of a new place for Renjun’s valuable crying sesh. They tried loitering inside a convenience store, a cafe, the library, and even hanging out in some unused classrooms. But when the campus no longer offered any other places, they went to the mall, the movies, and the arcades. They even went to a freaking amusement park and a festival outside town.

See the pattern?

Jaemin has so many questions.

He could’ve asked but he also couldn’t really. Every moment with Renjun is too precious for him to waste any time questioning it after all. As long as Renjun is there, Jaemin would just enjoy the ride.

From the peaceful days spent picking apart the novels saved on Renjun’s phone to the days when they let their feet take them anywhere without a care for the world, Jaemin loved every second of it.

From admiring Renjun’s crying form to staring in awe as he laughs to his heart’s content and finding beauty even in his tiniest quirks, Jaemin realized that it may not be as simple as a crush anymore.

And then there’s Renjun himself.

The man whose world only revolved around the stories he read, begins finding interest in the vast space around it. Renjun whose eyes were practically glued to his phone, are now meeting, searching even, his own. Renjun, who wouldn’t move an inch while reading for hours, started dragging him by the hand in all the little adventures he refuses to call their dates.

Of course Jaemin would expect. Things have changed.

At the same time, things haven’t.

It’s Friday afternoon, the sky glows in an orange hue much like that day at the bleachers. Jaemin had always wondered why the sky lights up in different colors everyday, sometimes pink, others are more blue. He never bothered looking it up though, always content with just thinking and watching. Now he gets to have a fantastic view on the rooftop of Renjun’s apartment.

Just as Jaemin arrives, he sees Renjun sprawled on top of a low wooden table, tears streaming downwards while reading on his phone.

He chuckles at the familiar sight and walks over, “Wow I thought you don’t read those anymore.”

Renjun jolts and sits up in surprise, he’s been so engrossed in reading that he didn’t notice Jaemin arrival. “I’ll have you know, I’ve been staying up every night for these. You were taking your time and I just couldn’t wait for what happens next so…” He hastily wipes his tears and shuts off his phone.

Jaemin thinks that’s not a very good habit, though he supposes he has no right to complain given that he stays up just the same for his dramas.

Still, he worries for Renjun. He sits to his right. “Wouldn’t it be better to read after class like you used to, I don’t mind listening to your rambles again.”

“But I like spending my time differently with you around.” Renjun lies down again, arms spread wide while looking up at the passing clouds. He smiles in content, “I mean it’s been fun changing it up and actually experiencing the world outside the novels I read.”

Jaemin lies down as well.

“Yeah, it really was fun but…”

He stares for a while at the view above before he tells his next words, “But you know, it’s less about the experience for me.”

“I enjoy winning prizes in arcades as much as quietly watching the sunset just because I get to do the both of them with you.”

Then there’s the silence. Nothing but the wind whispers on their ears. Jaemin feels a gaze next to him and true enough, as he turns his head, he’s caught in Renjun’s glistening eyes.

Renjun with an unreadable look says to him, “I consider you as part of the experience Jaemin.”

Whether he meant it in a flirting way, a nonchalant one, or with any other intent, it has gotten Jaemin’s heart squeezing so painfully tight. He’s at a loss of what to do to deal with the feeling but he wills himself to make a remark like his usual self.

“My presence should be the highlight of your experience Renjun,” he ends with a (nervous) laugh for extra measure.

Renjun continues to stare looking as unreadable as ever. Then he faces his body towards Jaemin, even moving closer which does not help at all in Jaemin’s case.

“Hey Jaemin, you know why I like reading these stories so much?”

The question comes out of nowhere and catches Jaemin off-guard, ridding himself of his previous worries. He turns to fully face Renjun.

As obnoxiously as possible, he mimics Renjun’s words from before and says them like a know-it-all, “Because Renjun there’s just this unique beauty to pain.”

Not at all offended with the silly way of answering, Renjun snorts, “Then do you know what’s the most beautiful type of pain?”

Jaemin gives it some thought. “The pain of losing someone you love? Like when the dog died in that one novel you told me about.”

“God you didn’t have to remind me, I couldn’t move on for days.”

He finds it adorable how Renjun is starting to cry again at the mere reminder of the story. He chuckles while wiping the tear that was threatening to fall. Renjun closes his eyes on reflex.

“Well is it?”

“No,” He catches the hand retracting from his face, gently pressing it to stay on his cheek, “it’s the pain that begins before you even know what it is it’s supposed to mean. It’s a cruel feeling that happens for days, weeks, months, maybe even years all while you know nothing of its cause.”

Renjun carefully opens his eyes to look at him, “I’ve experienced that pain for quite a while now, so much so that I wouldn’t even need these stories to cry.”

“Are you okay?” he asks, his voice laced with worry.

Renjun places their hands between them. His lean delicate fingers tangle with Jaemin’s. They’re shaking along with his mellow voice.

“It’s suffocating. With one look, with even a hint of a memory of this person smiling so bright, frowning in worry, or whatever the hell he’s doing, it’s as if air is punched out of my lungs and I forget to breathe.”

Jaemin remembers the first day at the bleachers. At the upper right corner just a step below Renjun’s seat, Jaemin stood before him, barely breathing as he offered a handkerchief to him, to the very person who took his breath away.

“And when I remember all the things we’ve done, all the moments I’ve kept precious, it’s like—it’s like I’m sick, my stomach twists like knots, my insides churn so bad and it’s just so unbearable.”

Jaemin knows it too. He knows it too well from the nights he spent twisting and turning on his bed, when all that’s left for him is to relive the moments in his head as he bears the churning of his stomach before he dreams of his afternoons with Renjun. 

Their fingers interlock, Renjun even squeezing his hand to desperately stop his own from shaking. He moves them closer to his chest. “Then there’s the heart. When there’s even the slightest of hope or chance, my heart beats like crazy, so painfully, it aches till it numbs. Except I’m not really numb, in fact, I feel  _ too much _ . Everything’s swelling up inside, threatening to spill from the deepest corner of my heart.”

Tears start swelling up in Renjun's eyes, and Jaemin feels everything he had just said. It’s all too much, all too painful. It’s all too familiar.

Jaemin gently squeezes Renjun’s hand back. He quietly asks, “So why is it the most beautiful?”

“Because, much more than all the angst I’ve read, it’s the pain I’ll keep wanting to feel no matter how much it hurts.”

Truly all too familiar, “What is it?”

Renjun grips their interlocked hands with his other one. He takes in deep heavy breaths and determination begins showing itself in his eyes, as if he has gathered all the strength in the world for this one answer.

A final intake of breath and Renjun says, “It’s that pain of falling helplessly in love.”

He continues, not even giving Jaemin the chance to react before courage leaves him, “It—it’s the pain I feel for you, it’s the feelings I’ve been keeping in all this time and I just—I just needed to let everything out and tell you.”

It’s all too much. Jaemin is so damn overwhelmed to think he’s been in love and Renjun feels the same.

His vision blurs. The pain comes at him at full force.

“Huh? Wait, why are you crying?”

Renjun shouldn’t really blame Jaemin, the tears just let themselves out. He sobs and sniffles and whimpers and cries. Much like the feelings that have been slowly slipping out, there’s no longer any need for him to hold them back.

Hesitant fingers wipe away his tears. He didn’t even notice when they had let go of his hand. “Jaemin if you—if you cry, I’ll cry too…”

Slowly, the blur starts to fade, revealing the man he has been so helplessly in love with, beautiful as ever, tears and snots and all.

He breaks into a soft smile.

“I love you too Renjun.”


End file.
